It's another tuesday. last friday would have been a month. i'm going to marina square today to catch a movie, and i sigh and think of Moll Flanders and coffee and smelly tuna salads and cityhall and midnight walks and you. most of all you. yes, most of all.
you. Just you.
Maybe you'll call today like you said you would yesterday. Maybe wednesday, no thursday.. no.. friday you'd be mine again, embrace me in you and tell me you love me again, the way you always said you would.
Where do you start
How do you separate the present from the past
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last
That didn't last
With bits of memories scattered here and there
I look around and don't know where to start
Which books are yours
Which tapes & dreams belong to you & which are mine
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine
So many habits that we'll have to break
And yesterdays we'll have to take apart
One day there'll be a song or something in the air again
To catch me by surprise & you'll be there again
a moment in
what might have been
Where do you start
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry
Or do you close your eyes & kiss it all goodbye
I guess you try
And though I don't know where & don't know when
I'll find myself in love again
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see
A tiny part within my heart
That stays in love
With you
i guess i try. sigh, my darling, someday he'll come along, the man i love, and he'll be big and strong the man i love, and when he comes my way, i'll do my best to make him stay.. but till then, i remain hopelessly devoted to you.
your silly me,
J
i raised up the bitch flag at
2:34 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006I can't walk by ten paces without remembering the associations. I can't help it. It comes like the spanish inquisition, violent resistance, or maybe not so violent. I scratch my knee, the left one, and i pause to wait for your hand to tug mine away. Hair's untied, and I think you press that nose into the scents and hear that sniffly nuzzle.
Anthony, I saw the name somewhere today. Can't remember where. Zimmer, then i thought of you and Sophia on a secret rendezvous. Sophia was on 101 hottest celebrity bodies on E! channel today, number sixty-something.
I think.
It's amazing how lyrics can find the "other" words you always wanted to say but can't express. Lisa Loeb says the time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love. At night i think i hear the purr of the cab, wait for Russ to bark his head off, hear my heart beat in my head, and wheel round and expect to find you framing the doorway.
Yeah i sit by myself in the cab now. Rubbing the empty available space next to my hips. i wanted to be crazy, wanted my other to be crazy. Guess it's not enough. I don't know what is. I walk home, vacuous windy wind, chilly swings, clammy park benches and a sorry song in my hands rubbing. I don't cry, I will not cry. I walk in crooked lines though.
How can i say this? That when your with me, I feel knitted to you, so close, that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that when you close your eyes, i fall asleep.
so close, that when you close your eyes, i fall asleep.
i raised up the bitch flag at
2:18 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004i know this blog isn't in use anymore therefore i shall say this
i miss you. still. everyday. if not everynight. of this past 1 and a half years.
and i know this sounds so pathetic but i'm listening to this song which never fails to remind me of you and how we used to be and how i'd hoped we'd be.
and i know it doesn't have to be christmas or valentine's day to make me feel special about missing a special someone.
but you see it's the sweet sixteenth of september and it's been so long and i'd just thought i'd drop in for a check.
i raised up the bitch flag at
8:59 p.m. Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2004and i have a new blog. link me up!------->> yup click on it Iridescentia
this old diary will still be existence cos i'd still like the simple pleasures of life like drawing the curtains, dimming the lights and settling down with a sigh for a good read of my past entries.
and i hope you will too =)
i raised up the bitch flag at
12:03 a.m. Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004they say yes. i ask why.
they say no. i say no.
they say be careful you might....
i say well well, now your talking.
that ole devil sure has a powerful grip on billie holiday i wonder will i fall prey?
isn't this romantic isn't that romantic? a dream upon candlelights and flickering flames and moving shadows.
the oldest magic in the world. the oldest trick in the book. am i made for love?
steal my heart away somebody, something, anything. so long as you pledge to catch me when i fall, i promise i'll tell you when i do.
i raised up the bitch flag at
10:40 p.m. Sunday, Jul. 18, 2004i just saw Germany's fairytale castle. yes i've been to Bavaria and back. those rising turrets and flags bellowing in the wind and rustic ancient windows gazing out into the world. that imposing intricate castle tucked away high above the hilltops, amidst flowing streams and deep plunging valleys and the alps rising in the distance and greenery all over the sky. its medievalism, gothic, neo-romanesque and byzantine style are extravagant in showing off proudly this world wonder. a castle in the clouds
surreal of course.. and that's to say the least. phantasmagoric. i could just imagine the alpsee lake outside the castle walls, and at night when the moon shines and lends its shimmer upon the rustle of water, it invests such a dreamlike quality upon the whole landscape, you'd think "twas but a dream" but it is so so true.
sometimes you see paintings of various great concourses of phantasmagoric shadows and you marvel at how fantastical and magical they are. quite disbelieving of they fact that they are real, and they are man-made.
the congruous imagery in surreal art and literature and reality fascinates me. i think we all love fairytales, especially one that has verifiable existence, like the famous castles of Germany that even Disneyland tried to imitate. and this one picture jumped out at me and tugged at heartstring after heartstring, tinkling softly little notes of delight and fantasy.
every girl at some point or other in her life once wished she was a princess.
i'm different.. i still dream about it every once in a while.
i raised up the bitch flag at
3:57 p.m. Sunday, Jul. 18, 2004the gains of being loved.
indeed so.. guilt creeps in softly all this while but i strive to shove it all away with the satisfaction i've gotten so far as an excuse.
i know what the ending will be like. i'm not being fair, in fact i'm behaving like i've never went through this before. but who says i have to be fair. my friend says don't hate the player hate the game.
i think i know how to play this game very well indeed.
i raised up the bitch flag at
12:18 a.m. Saturday, Jul. 17, 2004vulgar words are just things we attach meaning and anger to. we never express ourselves coherently in anger and so a four letter expletive comes across as a very convenient and procurable option to an otherwise lengthy tirade of long speeches and hate language.
F-U-C-K.
and it says it all. it catapults as a warning sign that flashes the knowing signal to everyone else that yes your angry now, deal with it, i'm spouting uncouth words and it simply means full stop.. either it's the end of this discussion or i demand an apology from u, or just know that i'm really seething in furious waters right now so don't bother sinking one quivering toe in to test the temperature.
when i was young i made it a point never to use such words. "shit" was the derigueur word to use anw.. or so i thought.. when i foamed with frustration and neurotic frenzy swarmed through my limbs, the closest i'd ever come to swearing really libertinely was to clench my fists, pack my eyes shut and grit my teeth together so that they formed the grills of a caged cell and force the air out with a "FFFFFfffffff------"
but the word never materialized, it mutated into a sort of muffled scream at the back of my throat where i gave silent screams all round the room wishing i could die right there and then consumed with such hatred and fury.
in retrospect, i was a pretty angry kid most of the time. mostly at my parents. i was a selfish skinny brat, and i have to admit i was a pestiferous conceited bitch way back then, which explained my unpopularity.
and it's funny how everytime i step into a new environment, i pray so hard that i can start off on a clean slate, but things from the past follow me; haunt me. ghostlike bridges i'd love to implode but all i'm allowed to do is wring my hands in despair.. and in anger the rest of the time.
and it's hurting to come in as a freshman and realise that once again you can never escape your demons from the past. people recognise you and they judge and they point and they tell and every whispered word and every cursory glance thrown in your direction is met with your own watery eyes of suspicion and fear.
not that i ever did anything salacious in the past, but the scars etched in my mind never heal when i step into a new school and see the same people who judged me back then, or a new breed in a form of a second generation of merciless hunters.
no i am no sympathy grabber. i won't say i was cruelly victimized, that would be hardly veracious. i am certainly no Saint, i'm an outspoken bitch. i believe there are two types of people in this world, the ones who bitch, and the ones who bitch openly. but i digress, i'm tired of having this wretched face that everyone puts a label to, "but you just look like that on first impression".. they always say. Yes ok fine, but can't you go deeper than first impressions?
yan says the more affected i am of all these things, the more my weakness in character shows. Maybe i have a weakness, maybe my humour and talk obfuscate it. Or maybe i'm just writing angsty poetic lyrics here tonight to pass the time.
all i ask is that i'm left alone to myself and my dear dear friends. why sadden the morning in front of me and darken my eyes with new infomation i hear? Leave me in peace i say it one last time. and this is not typed out in response to recent reports about prom elections. it's a general retrospect of everything in the past till now, and i'm typing this out now in lassitude and angst.
Just leave me be, i've been dogged by these sortta things my entire life while others go round with diabetic smiles and cruel black hearts with nothing defamatory to their names. It's not fair when the truth is out there but no one will listen.
Maybe just for one night i've cleared my name in the list of scurrilous girls. maybe tonight some of you will listen and leave me peacefully curled up under my quilt,smiling to myself surreally, oblivious to pandora's minions outside my window.
i raised up the bitch flag at
8:15 p.m. Thursday, Jul. 15, 2004well well it was a very bad start to a very good ending.
but first off i'd just like to point my very well manicured middle finger to whoever who spread that unsubstantiated, fallacious, fictitious and fabricated gossip about me nominating myself. you know i'd just like to say (FFF).. yeah FUCK YOU.
or more accurately FUCK OFF. i seriously don't know whether to be more mad at myself being so affected by groundless gossips around the school or to be more outraged at the mere question of my integrity. whatever is it, to put them in both perspectives both are childish. and only ludicrous featherbrained martians would take others' word at face value.
don't you know me well enough to make your own judgement? oh just fucking stop listening to what others tell you about me already. i thought i'd already expressed it so explicitly in my blog last year?!
or more like just stop concocting new defamatory stories about me. we're 18 years old for God's sake, for YOUR sakes, though you may wish to carry on living in that pre adolescent giggly naive and irritatingly immature bubble of yours i do advise you to pop that rainbow coloured transparent sheet of glass before someone else cracks it for you the next time round.
IT IS NOT FUNNY "HUR HUR HUR" contrary to what your inprudent and witless brain may strive to think. before you scrunch your face into a sly grin and chuckle among your friends how side splitting comical whichever piece of gossip sounds to you. can you be more intelligent than that? oh GOD can anyone be more idiotic and vacuous as YOU??
i know i know gossips just swirl sensuously in your mouth. the full ripe sweetness of red wine tantalizing your veins.. you've just got to say it.. because.. you heard it from someone.. from whom, it doesn't matter, so long as you regurgitate that mouthful of luscious red wine from your mouth. the taste is almost gone now now, seems shallow and rather mellow, cos you've absorbed the piquant taste of it, it's now time to spit it out you think.. and share the violaceous juiciness of this great current news with someone else.
well for goodness DON"T
you know i'm tired of having to deal with news fodder. i'm tired of having to refute comments about me time and time and again. you know that thin line i talked about? separating us from sanity and madness? somehow sometimes... people like you serve as a ignitor to drive others like me to think of murder.
the good ole fashioned way.
i raised up the bitch flag at
4:47 p.m. Wednesday, Jul. 14, 2004everybody just wants to be noticed. HERE I AM.. they scream, flailing their arms madly about. alright i exaggerate but somehow their words of utterance justs screams for attention till you have to go back, rewind, give them that little itty bit of attention to that piece of infomation they triumphantly plonk down on your lap without your request and lie back soaking up that scrutiny.
somehow you just want to yell back "I DON"T CARE". i don't care if your a sponge that soaks up every bit of current affairs you just read in the newspaper, i don't care if your an artist or you love jazz and you absolutely ADORRRRE writing your poetry, i don't care if you view the world through that cynical parochial eye of yours with distaste.
the truth is, my pets, your not the only one here whose being "wronged by the system". your not the only one here who feels jaded, trapped in this inexorable tunnel of life, cynical about the monotony that adults now see as a culture. the truth is, my self proffessed individualists... you are but a figment of yourself, a subset of the majority of people who (hundreds of years before you) have already begun to question the existence of Man and their communion with God.
and then you have those who litter their colloquial conversations with sudden spouts of seemingly intellectual and spiritual enlightenments of "i'm a cynical person", "i hate growing up because it brings disillusionment" and your left to comprehend the full meaning of that with raised eyebrows.
it is very unwell- timed and very very deliberately poised to evoke some kind of response from you.. yes this would be the correct time to go "hrmmmmm" and stroke your beard in a pensive manner, apparently able to consort with the transcending realm the speaker has just remarkably brought us into.
shall we just dispense with the usual "i'm unique, i have depthless emotion and i view the world with a condescending frame of mind" kinda crap already? there is nothing and i repeat nothing, that you can possibly unleash in the world like a pandora's box which hasn't already been here for the past few hundred years or so.
or yes, i could assure you that i am different from the rest, i'm noteworthy, a rare separate entity who questions with a keen eye. and that i'm as sweet and unique and anomalous and exclusively retrospectful with a antithetical set of views against the world when you (in the most cliched term ever) "get to know me". but you'd probably regret it..
becos i would be just another girl searching for the same reason to life as you probably already are my darling.
i raised up the bitch flag at
12:56 a.m. Monday, Jul. 12, 2004i should have known.. i was such a fool. you'd already dropped so many hints along the way, the very first time we met up after that happened.
i said.. do your goofy gurgle!.. and you stopped short and replied with a curt.. i don't do that anymore. and all i could muster was a timid "oh". sighh how people change eh? but did you change because you were with someone else and not me? how silly i was thinking you could be around the area yesterday, he pointed out ever so gently to me that your the orchard kid now. wow.. that was some news huh.. = simple things i prided myself on knowing but their lost to me forever, ashes of something intangible yet euphoric drifting in the vacuous wind.
now it's come back, that poignant ache, that sweet sweet ache lingering under my skin.
i guess people change huh, now even memories are nothing but illusions, i can't even hold on to them anymore. they were something that seemed true a long time ago but you wonder if they ever were.
